Dear Juice, Let me be the first the congratulate you on your newfound freedom! I guess it’s true what they say: if it doesn’t fit, you must let Juice out on parole after nine years! But seriously: as your agent, I took the liberty of lining up a few sponsorships to get you a little… Continue reading Dear OJ: Let’s Sell Out! Love, Your Agent
All hail Baphomet, and welcome to our Satanic Death Cult! We are so glad that you have chosen our coven as your conduit to the Dark Lord of Hell. As you begin your journey into murder, orgies, and devil-worship (although here we just call it worship), there are a few simple rules/procedures for you to… Continue reading Welcome to our Satanic Death Cult!
The Rainforest Academy for Affluent Youngsters Dear Parents: This letter serves as a reminder that the Rainforest Academy for Affluent Youngsters has a strict “no camouflage onesies” policy. This is for the convenience and safety of your child, as they may become easily lost within the labyrinthine jungle-themed decor of the Rainforest Academy for… Continue reading Regarding the Camouflage Onesie Incident
I want to tell you about something that happened to me the other day, a very real thing that would have killed a lesser man. Now, it's a delicate subject to be sure, but I figure if someone out there can learn from my mistake, well then, I'd better let 'em know. And I suppose… Continue reading A Very Real Thing That Would Have Killed a Lesser Man
The Broken Tostitos Affair. “Hey @Tostitos, you mind telling me why there were FOUR broken chips at the bottom of my bag when I paid for WHOLE chips? Should be deported!” The BLT Incident. “Ordered a BLT and was RUDELY told by an employee that laundromats don’t serve BLT’s! Mind telling me why? Deport yourself!”… Continue reading 7 Additional Times That Poor Ann Coulter Was the Victim of a World Gone Mad