Regarding the Camouflage Onesie Incident

The Rainforest Academy for Affluent Youngsters

 

Dear Parents:

This letter serves as a reminder that the Rainforest Academy for Affluent Youngsters has a strict “no camouflage onesies” policy. This is for the convenience and safety of your child, as they may become easily lost within the labyrinthine jungle-themed decor of the Rainforest Academy for Affluent Youngsters.

On a related note, if any parent happens to see Carter Christenson crawling around while picking up their own child, we ask that you please contact any adult wearing a safari hat. We imagine Carter is quite hungry by this point. Your continued discretion on this matter during conversations with the Christenson family is greatly appreciated.

Sincerely,

Your Princi-PAL!

…………

The Rainforest Academy for Affluent Youngsters

 

Dear Mr. and Mrs. Christenson,

We are writing to let you know that Carter had an excellent and extremely safe day today! At no point did he become lost within the labyrinthine jungle-themed decor of the Rainforest Academy for Affluent Youngsters.

We would also like to take this opportunity to inform you that Carter has been selected for today’s complementary after-school program: “Dr. Livingston’s Little Explorers”! The end time is still TBD so we will contact you when Carter is ready to be picked up. Under no circumstances should you arrive early, as this may have a detrimental impact on his fledgling education, which many studies have shown results in a life of crime and early death.

On a related note, it is our unfortunate responsibility to let you know that his teacher, Mrs. Williams, will not be continuing with the Rainforest Academy for Affluent Youngsters, effective immediately. We wish her well in her future endeavors.

Sincerely,

Your Princi-PAL!

…………

To: All Staff

11:43 am

Subject: Code 4 (again)

It is advised that all staff of the Rainforest Academy for Affluent Youngsters walk on their tiptoes until the Code 4 is lifted. Also, please take a moment to check the bottoms of your shoes throughout the day.

On a related note, Mrs. Williams has requested that the person who took her copy of “Girl with the Dragon Tattoo” from the break room please mail it to the address provided.

…………

To: Rainforest Academy for Affluent Youngsters Principal

11:55 am

Subject: Your Order Receipt

Thank you for your recent purchase. Your receipt and transaction information is listed below:

Neon Orange Onesie x 150 – Total: 375.00

GPS Dog Tracking System x 150 – Total: 890.00

Girl with the Dragon Tattoo (paperback) x 1 – Total: 8.99

Order Subtotal: 1273.99

Shipping: 0.00

Tax: 92.36

Total Order: 1366.35

Please allow 10-14 days for delivery. Questions? Please contact our Customer Service Center.

…………

The Rainforest Academy for Affluent Youngsters

 

Dear Parents:

It is with a heavy heart that we announce the closure of the Rainforest Academy for Affluent Youngsters, effective immediately. We have cherished our time working with most of your children, and thank you for giving us this opportunity.

The Rainforest Academy for Affluent Youngsters is very proud of its 99.99% success rate with sending your little one’s on to preschool as they begin an exciting new chapter in their education.

On a related note, the Christenson family asks that, in lieu of flowers, donations be made to their new charitable organization: “Henry Stanley’s Little Explorers for Affluent Youngsters”.

Sincerely,

Your Princi-PAL!

…………

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