Dear OJ: Let’s Sell Out! Love, Your Agent

Dear Juice,

Let me be the first the congratulate you on your newfound freedom! I guess it’s true what they say: if it doesn’t fit, you must let Juice out on parole after nine years! But seriously: as your agent, I took the liberty of lining up a few sponsorships to get you a little spending cash when you get out, less my 33% commission of course. Here’s what we’ve got scheduled so far:

  1. The Ford Motor Company wants you to be the spokesman for their relaunch of the Bronco in 2020. You’ll love their tagline: “He was acquitted, so technically it wasn’t a getaway car!”
  2. Isotoner Gloves wants to start you out as a hand model, with an option to move throughout the rest of your body based on how willing the public is to forget the Naked Gun movies. Their slogan: “I always said I’d kill for a pair of Isotoners! So I did!”
  3. We’ve received several proposals from a variety of sports collectibles companies. Obviously, we’ll go with the highest bidder but I want you to consider this slogan: “Our prices are so low, it’s practically stealing!”
  4. Sunny Delight wants to make you the new face of their company! Picture this: you take a big gulp of their newest drink and smile, saying, “Coffee takes years off your life; try OJ instead!”
  5. Finally, the NFL wants you to be the newest commentator for Friday Night Football. Their first commercial will feature you behind the desk, with a voice over reading: “Michael Vick. Ben Roethlisberger. Aaron Hernandez. OJ. As a sports fan, you’ll overlook pretty much anything. Friday nights with the NFL Redzone package.”

I have a really good feeling about these, Juice. Your buddy Kato made a bundle off Uber’s new ad campaign, “Uber: We’ll pick you up and drop you off, no matter what!”

Much love,

Your Agent

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